Having a penis is not great

Just from the point of convenience...but that would be another topic.

I have been complaining about not being able to find a girlfriend for ages. Part of it is my penis‘ fault. As much as I like to believe that I am searching for a girlfriend based mainly on her character traits, you can only go so far by pretending that sexual attraction doesn't play a big part in this.

One is too tall, the other one’s too short. One is too skinny, the other one‘s too self-absorbed.

Then penis goes on a WHOLE different adventure, leaving the brain sitting there, chillaxing. It goes on seeking unrealistic goals. Pretty, really pretty girls, out of his league girls…

This is where I like to use this new theory of mine – friends / acquaintances / family members, basically every person that has ever paid me a compliment for being a good guy or boyfriend has spoiled me. And in no way am I blaming them, they were nice enough to pay me a compliment, I can only be thankful. But my brain is a stupidly mysterious place. As much as I like to put myself down, mostly in order to not get people’s expectations high, I often love myself. I know – weird. But true. And this constant feeling of self-worth as a boyfriend / decent human being has driven me to the point, where I think that the kind of exterior that attracts me now is way out of my league.

Of course if I know this fact then I should be able to use logic and be able to look elsewhere. Well …wrong. It might just be my way of satisfying myself with a good enough of explanation for why I should be able to look into out of my league exteriors but I think that I could never be the settler. I have a very difficult time when lying to people who I am close to, meaning that in time, I am afraid, I would become bitter and unhappy with the relationship.

I know that the plot of “She’s out of my league” movie is a plot for a movie and not for a life. But I can’t help, but to expect, that I will someday meet my Lilly.

 this-is-tis.deviantart.com

a whole lot of gibberish and a tiny bit of sense

i am starting to have a feeling that, for some time, i have put myself on a very high pedestal and it is not working out for me. For starters, i catch myself looking down on so many people who actually like me or at least feel the need to respect me. i create these absurdly high expectations for the friends i pick, not even talking about girlfriends. And then I feel lonely...i wonder why.
i used to trust everyone. And i mean EVERYONE. i know a girl for two days? Tell her the most intricate secrets of mine, except for one. This changed very fast, after i did tell one person this “secret” and it was taken for granted…my trust in this person that is.
i have to say, i like to blame the absence of true friends in my life on people generally not being worth sharing secrets with. What is the purpose of sharing yourself with another person if you are not sure that he or she is here for the long run.
This is how i end up here today, able to count friends on my fingers, able to count my true friends on the fingers of my one hand. And though it sounds to me like the right way to live, you can’t help but feel lonely from time to time. Once a friend of mine told this amazing comment on my relationship with other people. It went something like this: “Being your friend almost feels like a privilege. You can be sure, that you’re not just one of the hundreds of “friends” you have.” i like to have people around me, but i don’t take the word “Friend” lightly.

One of the girls

i grew up around girls. When i was little i had two female friends whom with i used to play families with. When my sister got older, me, her and our cousin, also a girl, started spending more time together. We used to build houses out of furnitures and everything else we found around the house. We used to make webs out of threads we would find in my mother‘s drawer.
My dad still spends the better part of the day working. So i was used to only seeing him properly in the evening.
Growing up, during middle school, i didn‘t find my place among boys either. i like to think, that we had a mutual understanding of where each of ours place was. Theirs was to chase girls, grow up fast and take on several addictions. Mine was to silently fall in love with my „first highschool love“, stay away from as many addictions as i can and...secretly...to become one of the guys.
During the two years of high school i was lucky enough to have a pack of female friends who helped me to live through that horrible phase of being an Emo. Don‘t ask, i am not sure how i could explain the necessity of that phase.
Nothing really change to this day. i still can‘t say that i have a lot of male friends, i have two or three good friends. But i still feel more comfortable around girls. And though it might sound like a good thing, i highly doubt that. i am afraid i grew quite blind to flirt. i assume that a relationship should develop from day one other way i am just going to make another female friend. To make it even worse, my friendliness towards girls are sadly mistaken as flirt by some of their boy friends. And granted, usually it is  probably an honest mistake from my side i just don‘t see that narrow little line that separates flirt from being friendly.

dream girl

i guess an introduction to the importance of this dream is needed:

i had and still have some problems with love, meaning that i find it really hard to feel close to someone. When i think about it, it might not be the feeling of love that i miss. Let’s put it in Ted’s (and if you are as sappy as I am and you love good comedy series, you should know who I am talking about) words:

“I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the beagle place I see a girl in line reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that has been stuck in my head all week and I think ‘WOW, hey, maybe she’s the one’ Now I think ‘I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole-wheat everything beagle<…>I stopped believing. Not in some depressed ‘I’m going to cry during my toast’ way<…>It’s just every day I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little     less and that      sucks.”

***

i am walking the streets of some small town and wondering if she’s going to show up today. Suddenly i am in a carnival with her by my side. Today she’s extra bouncy and we are enjoying ourselves playing every single game we can. Somehow i don’t feel the need to keep my face and start being dorky and bouncy as well. The evening passes and we’re sitting somewhere between one of those platforms that surround soccer fields. i am sitting lower and she’s sitting behind me embracing me with her hands, her long, soft hair are touching my neck as she softly whispers the words ‘I love you’ in my ear. i cannot explain the amounts of warmth and happiness that overflowed my whole body. i turned around and started mumbling like a fool ‘I never thought you even th…’ and then reality smacks me in the face.

***

Yup, the roles are a bit mixed up in this one but to me it doesn’t make it any less of an amazing dream.

It is also worth mentioning that the girl in the dream is the last girl i felt strong feelings for and i kind of still do, but i already made the choice and i’m dealing well with it.

In no way is this a memory that makes me sad or a blog entry which should make you feel bad for me, it’s more of a little fictional memory which makes me happy remembering it.

Where are all the princesses ?

I always see girls talking about princes being a rarity and how hard it is to find one.
I'd like to whine about how hard it is to find a princess in our days.
all that publicly expressed vulgarity is a bit off-putting.
and...no, you know what, I'm gonna go the other way and say this first.
princess/prince is a very diverse word, for one prince can be a person with perfect manners and sense of honor for some it might be someone who's playful and not afraid to look stupid.
that doesn't make this particular blog worthless because I will continue talking about my idea of a princess and why I think that it is so hard to find a princess nowadays.
so as I said before, I don't appreciate all the vulgarity that seems to be publicly acceptable by youth today.
and there's something really wrong about girls being proud of the fact that they don't remember what they did the night before and who they spent the night with.
also it's just partly sexual discrimination, I equally don't understand the pride in similar acts by boys.
I guess I somehow inherited a bit older values of keeping the little amount of vulgarity I have to myself and my significant other.
and to this day, I can't understand the constant need of alcohol and other tools of intoxication.
what's the fascination with self destruction lately ?

a photo by mechtaniya.deviantart.com

why is it so hard to find a girl who is interested in a quiet, intimate evening.
who's interested in joining two awesome families into one bunch of amazingness.


and yes I've mentioned the word today or it's synonyms way too many times in this blog.
also I feel like I repeat myself too much, I'll try my best not to next time.

internet communication and why people hate Nathan Grey

so there's this thing called 'internet' and everyone is all friendly and getting to know each other with it's help.
the problem with me and internet is that...i hate communicating through internet.
it has nothing to do with me not wanting to speak with that hot chick I totally don't have a future with(that my friends is another topic...completely).
and i hate feeling like a bastard, when people write and we talk and then they write me a couple of more times and then they are like 'fuck it. this bastard can't write a word to me and i always have to be the one to start the conversation.' and they stop writing me and lose interest in me.
see, when i'm on the computer it means one of two things, it's either i am working or i am enjoying my free time.
and yes, you would think that 'free time' also includes talking to people...not in my world.
free time is my chance to catch up on TV series and movies and maybe some games.

i much rather prefer meeting up in reality to talking on the internet.




i just realized...i hate the fact that people became so dependent on social sites to meet new people.
communicating on internet takes so many things away from the conversation:
body language
seeing actual person's face, not the one they make in front of the camera to look good
seeing her eyes, whether she plays with her hair and if she does:
seeing how she plays with her hair
seeing how she reacts when you talk about your favorite things
being able to at least guess if she's being honest or not


so just to sum up.
me not writing to someone isn't a proof of not wanting to be friends.
on the other hand being the one who offers a meet is a sign of me liking someone, it means I want to give this thing a chance.

endoo.deviantart.com/

Some things about girls and how Nathan Grey sees them

i've this one big problem.
often, when i look through some cute girl's pictures i am all like 'awww, she's so cute, i'd marr...' and then i see a photo of her with a cigarette. boom, instant turn-off, don't even want to look at her anymore.
i know it's kind of a stupid thing, since it's so popular to smoke right now.
it might even be more popular than it was around 5-7 years ago.
so yeah, it's stupid because the chances that i might find a girl who doesn't smoke and she's at least a moderate geek are very slim compared to the chances to meet that geeky girl if i tolerate smoking.
well tolerate isn't a good word....i don't really have anything against people who smoke, especially guys, it's just i would much rather prefer a non-smoking girlfriend to smoking one.
then again, i know there's a chance i might just end up with a smoking girlfriend in the end even with my 'tolerance' problems.

i feel like i talked about these things.

well the other thing isn't a problem at all, i just find it odd.
it has been difficult for me to feel happy about relationships and be hopeful about new ones for quite some time.
i've been tossed and played around quite a bit, not a big trust person at the moment.
...getting to the point, watching my friends find their soul partners...is a very pleasent feeling.
i feel happy for them, not just 'yay, my friend is happy now' kind of happy.
for a second i feel like my relationship problems are gone and just the fact that they are happy is enough for me to be happy.
i'm especially happy to see that my first ever ex (which was probably the only one i ever really cared about) is happy right now with another guy, it's very heart warming.

extra-ordinary

if you think really hard:
1. extra-ordinary isn't quite what a majority of people think it to be
2. it's more common than the word suggests it to be


your looks don't make you extra-ordinary.
and if you think about it a bit longer you might realize you're looking quite ordinary by trying to look extra-ordinary. it's just how it is these days, too many people try to be extra-ordinary.
just live your lives, be the best you, you can be. no need to be something you're not. to be extra-ordinary.


well then, if so many people are trying to be extra-ordinary, doesn't that make most of the ordinary people extra-ordinary. yes, most of them are actually just ordinary and there's nothing wrong about it, people who don't care about crap like that lives a restful life.
where I was getting with this is..can it be that a lot of people who are considered to be weirdos, to not fit in or to be monsters, are the ones we should call extra-ordinary ? 
aren't they the ones that are 'going beyond what is usual, regular, or customary'


I feel like the word extra-ordinary is tossed around too much for the wrong reasons...
do the things you love and everything will turn out amazing.

ibenathan.deviantart.com