internet communication and why people hate Nathan Grey

so there's this thing called 'internet' and everyone is all friendly and getting to know each other with it's help.
the problem with me and internet is that...i hate communicating through internet.
it has nothing to do with me not wanting to speak with that hot chick I totally don't have a future with(that my friends is another topic...completely).
and i hate feeling like a bastard, when people write and we talk and then they write me a couple of more times and then they are like 'fuck it. this bastard can't write a word to me and i always have to be the one to start the conversation.' and they stop writing me and lose interest in me.
see, when i'm on the computer it means one of two things, it's either i am working or i am enjoying my free time.
and yes, you would think that 'free time' also includes talking to people...not in my world.
free time is my chance to catch up on TV series and movies and maybe some games.

i much rather prefer meeting up in reality to talking on the internet.




i just realized...i hate the fact that people became so dependent on social sites to meet new people.
communicating on internet takes so many things away from the conversation:
body language
seeing actual person's face, not the one they make in front of the camera to look good
seeing her eyes, whether she plays with her hair and if she does:
seeing how she plays with her hair
seeing how she reacts when you talk about your favorite things
being able to at least guess if she's being honest or not


so just to sum up.
me not writing to someone isn't a proof of not wanting to be friends.
on the other hand being the one who offers a meet is a sign of me liking someone, it means I want to give this thing a chance.

endoo.deviantart.com/

Some things about girls and how Nathan Grey sees them

i've this one big problem.
often, when i look through some cute girl's pictures i am all like 'awww, she's so cute, i'd marr...' and then i see a photo of her with a cigarette. boom, instant turn-off, don't even want to look at her anymore.
i know it's kind of a stupid thing, since it's so popular to smoke right now.
it might even be more popular than it was around 5-7 years ago.
so yeah, it's stupid because the chances that i might find a girl who doesn't smoke and she's at least a moderate geek are very slim compared to the chances to meet that geeky girl if i tolerate smoking.
well tolerate isn't a good word....i don't really have anything against people who smoke, especially guys, it's just i would much rather prefer a non-smoking girlfriend to smoking one.
then again, i know there's a chance i might just end up with a smoking girlfriend in the end even with my 'tolerance' problems.

i feel like i talked about these things.

well the other thing isn't a problem at all, i just find it odd.
it has been difficult for me to feel happy about relationships and be hopeful about new ones for quite some time.
i've been tossed and played around quite a bit, not a big trust person at the moment.
...getting to the point, watching my friends find their soul partners...is a very pleasent feeling.
i feel happy for them, not just 'yay, my friend is happy now' kind of happy.
for a second i feel like my relationship problems are gone and just the fact that they are happy is enough for me to be happy.
i'm especially happy to see that my first ever ex (which was probably the only one i ever really cared about) is happy right now with another guy, it's very heart warming.

extra-ordinary

if you think really hard:
1. extra-ordinary isn't quite what a majority of people think it to be
2. it's more common than the word suggests it to be


your looks don't make you extra-ordinary.
and if you think about it a bit longer you might realize you're looking quite ordinary by trying to look extra-ordinary. it's just how it is these days, too many people try to be extra-ordinary.
just live your lives, be the best you, you can be. no need to be something you're not. to be extra-ordinary.


well then, if so many people are trying to be extra-ordinary, doesn't that make most of the ordinary people extra-ordinary. yes, most of them are actually just ordinary and there's nothing wrong about it, people who don't care about crap like that lives a restful life.
where I was getting with this is..can it be that a lot of people who are considered to be weirdos, to not fit in or to be monsters, are the ones we should call extra-ordinary ? 
aren't they the ones that are 'going beyond what is usual, regular, or customary'


I feel like the word extra-ordinary is tossed around too much for the wrong reasons...
do the things you love and everything will turn out amazing.

ibenathan.deviantart.com

Friends

you know what is BULL ?
friends/best friends falling in love.
in my world, friends, stay friends, usually one side being hurt.
tho, friends fall in love with other people due to physical attraction..that usually takes like a week or two.
you see, friends are way too close, you don't think about being intimate with a friend because that doesn't make sense.

tho, I can tell you one thing that is amazing and beautiful about girl friends, I guess that also works with guy friends for girls..or not.
when you find a person who is easy to talk to and you share a lot in common and basically you just fit with each other...looks become nothing.
I mean it usually won't matter how she is dressed today, whether she's having a bad hair day, etc.
she always looks amazing.
when you realize that fact, it's a quite awesome feeling.

basically...I should finally learn to not attach to anyone so quickly.

Note to myself

never again, date or fall in love with:
a liar
a fake
a backstabber
a girl who is uncertain about what she wants from other people
a girl whom with you don't feel comfortable
a desperate girl who would do anything to hold on to a relationship
a girl who is more interested in sexual relationship rather than actual relationship
a girl who doesn't know who she really is
a girl who has a boyfriend
a girl who doesn't care enough
a girl who I can't make happy
a girl who smokes, because most probably, I will drive her crazy with my talk about how much I dislike smoking

to be continued...

Dear Ms. X

"it's a self-defense thing, you see"

We could be sitting in some common cafe and i would casually ask:
- X? - while looking down to my lap.
- m? - i would feel my hands getting sweaty and for a second or two i would reconsider this stupidly risky idea.
- i know you don't know me as well as you would want to and i know we have met for just a couple of times - my voice would crack, You would turn Your head to me and then i would lift my head to look at You - i feel something more than just friendship for You. i don't have anyone else i can be so. . . myself around - and you would say . . . well i wouldn't like to guess. i always go for the worst in these kind of things.

i could write a letter.
to tell you that
i like the fact that You always glow with warmth,
You're always willing to be with me, although i am not sure that it is the thing You want,
Your smile is one thing i can never get enough,
You can always teach me something new and i hope that's the same the other way around,
i usually say stupid things, because i feel cozy around You, i don't over think things,
i know that it is selfish of me, but i can't hold on to these feelings alone anymore,
and i am pretty sure love became a very confusing thing for me,
but i care for you as much as it is possible for a monster like me.

decisions decisions....logic really doesn't help in love matters.

ibenathan.deviantart.com

Marry me

      I'm in some kind of restaurant. She's sitting on the other side of the table, smiling. I look around. My eyes meets the eyes of a person near our table, he looks at me and then at her and immediately turns his head back to his table. I look at her, she's still smiling and now she's talking about something. My tea is just barely warm. There's an untouched piece of lemon near the cup. "are you listening Nathan ?". She's worried about my mood. I could tell it from her face, her eyebrows are faintly frowned and she sets this very serious but full of warmth voice. I nod my head, both in agreement with the fact that I am alright and that I am listening, though my mind is somewhere else at that moment. I notice a couple of more people glancing at us and sort of frowning in disapproval. Finally I am able to concentrate on what she's talking about. She was telling me how she wants to spend her summer vacation. You could see happiness glowing in her eyes. I wanted to say - "I want to go with you.". But my mind successfully convinced me that I should keep my mouth shut. I wouldn't be able to make her happy. Or so we believed.

www.flickr.com/people/drierp/