before_now_after

has it been a year already ? that makes .... complete sense because when it comes to creating something i usually am comparable to sparse waves of inspiration rather than a steady stream of one.
so it has been a year since my last entry. what has changed ? well, not a huge amount of things, but they are important.
probably the very core problem of this whole blog thingy has not been altered significantly yet. meaning that i still do not have a girlfriend. that being said, i was able to break my previous dating record. so instead of my longest relationship ever lasting one month, now i can proudly say that it has been surpassed by whole three months....do the math yourself.
what was it like ? simply put ? it was great! I got to cuddle a lot, which is probably my favorite thing ever. i got to watch movies AND cuddle at the same time...freaking heaven i tell ya and in general i had a source to where i could put all of the unused caring i have stored up.
now that being said..can't say that i have used much of it, at least from the way i remember it. something was off, maybe not from the very beginning but i started to feel it later on. i could have been more caring, i could have been more masculine but we learn from our mistakes.
was going to make a whole new paragraph questioning why people feel the urge to hide their smoking habits from me before i even get a chance to mention it and then i remembered that this whole blog thingy exists. i feel gratitude for the person being able to resist that urge while being with me but i also feel like a grade A moron for forcing someone to do that. but if you think that somehow changed my outlook on that you would be damn wrong.
in the end we broke up mainly because i did not think we had enough things to talk about.
how has it been since ? it has been fucky. about the only thing worse than actually getting a thing you dream of is the feeling that follows after finally getting that thing and then losing it. if before i didn't entirely know what it feels like to be so close to someone, now i do and i miss it. not a life shattering issue, but one that stays with you for the long haul.
since then everything in regards to finding a significant other has mostly been a train wreck. several girls showed interest in me and then suddenly lost it. one time i had an idea of getting together with a girl simply based on how stunning her body is but then i felt like an ass for thinking that and did not go through with it. i have, for several times, fallen in and out of affection with a girl who i do not think has ever looked at me that way at all and simply i do not think that we would fit together well, at least not now. and for the very few last times i have made a fool of myself by showing my affections out in the open to someone who was not looking for it.
phew, okay, let's move on to something more positive.
i truly think that i have ran out of fucks to give this year. i started to think about what i really want and about how i can get it. it started with simple things. i got my first tattoo, i showed initiative at work to do something more than just my job. i started to dream bigger. and it got bigger. i started to speak more honestly with myself and slowly but steadily with others. i stopped caring about what others want me to look like and i have started caring about how i want to look like. i have stopped thinking about what others will think when they see me. i have pierced my septum, i have changed my glasses and i have dyed my hair blonde. now i can not wait to open the next page on my book and i am already making plans for that, but that is for 2015.

compromises_perfectionism

i have a couple of friends to whom i talk about my love life. one of the topics often talked about is perfectionism. to this day i am still not sure if i should i really call myself a perfectionist. on one side, it is a trait which allows one to make something as good as it can be. on the other, this trait makes it almost impossible for one to find a significant other. always pondering on little details. thinking whether or not we are compatible of this or other reason . . . before i even really know a person. i am really good at judging/assessing people but not so good at compromising.
after some time one of these conversations usually end with my friends trying to pull me down to earth and introducing me to this interesting concept of compromise.

i probably mentioned some examples several times through previous entries. the most extreme being that i would not date a girl who smokes. i guess i do not have high tolerance for smokers. from my experience i would piss her off with my constant disapproval.
a more weird example, i guess, is a girl who loves to dance. although i have a high tolerance for people who love to dance. i do not dance myself. i find no joy in that. waltz is about the only thing that would get me moving like that. and it usually sounds stupid and trivial to me that i would bother myself with this thought, but i believe that a girl who loves to dance would prefer dancing with her boyfriend .

and this dancing topic gets me to the main message of this post.
tonight, as i usually do, before falling asleep i try to think if there is any future for me and my current crush and also in a case that there is, how do i proceed to create it. and this time it got me to thinking how many compromises my current crush would have to make if she got into relationship with me and it just made me more scared.

since i love making lists:

i don't dance

i don't enjoy clubs or really loud places where i can't talk with people

i don't enjoy getting drunk to no end

i prefer small_intimate gatherings

i like to judge people...seriously

i can be possessive

i am a geek and i love geeking out (whether it is related to movies_comics_games or mobile technologies)

i am shy (not in a "awww, how cute" kind of way) in a way that too often makes me look unmanly 

i am blind as a bat to flirting_implied messages (sometimes you just really need to be straight with me, otherwise you will not get anything from me)

i am an introvert but i enjoy socializing (you might need to give me a small nudge)
i know i was able to be something else than logical but i am not so sure anymore
i tend to overthink things
i do tend to think feminine like so i often look not super manly

to be updated

The Duality of man

                             Ever since I was young I had difficulty with fitting in. At the time I did not quite understand why it was like that, nor did I bother myself with questioning the meaning behind it. But since recently, I cannot not do it. The best answer I have yet found is to blame it on the constant fight between the Introvert and the Extrovert inside me. Granted, there are not a lot of Extrovert qualities in me, yet still, the fight goes on. I often want to be the guy who is in good terms with everyone, maybe even everyone’s “buddy” but then again the Introvert inside me does not like to be in center of attention often. What’s more, my inner Introvert is not really keen on people who are friends with everyone. I am sure it might be fun and rewarding sometimes but I do a better job when I am concentrated on one thing. To me it always seems that people who are everyone’s good friend might come across as not truly earnest. Have you ever noticed how easily I get off topic? While I do often want to be that guy, I still cannot force myself to do that. It does not feel natural to me. While the Introvert inside me is not trying to be everyone’s friend, he still gets half there, on his own pace. It might be one of the reasons why I like to hold on to things I already know, since it is quite a challenge to build something similar from ground up.

                             There is something inside me, constantly questioning my own idea of me.

                             One day, I am in love with myself, with how I look, how I come across, how I don’t care if anyone sees me lip syncing my favorite song of Radiohead in the bus or notice me trying not to laugh out loud at the tech related pun I just heard listening to The Vergecast.

                             The other, I doubt everything about me, my love for photography, my ability to create, ability to be something more than average. Those days I truly think that being great even extraordinary at one thing is much better than being average at several things.

                             A counter attack against vulgarism 2.0

Having a penis is not great

Just from the point of convenience...but that would be another topic.

I have been complaining about not being able to find a girlfriend for ages. Part of it is my penis‘ fault. As much as I like to believe that I am searching for a girlfriend based mainly on her character traits, you can only go so far by pretending that sexual attraction doesn't play a big part in this.

One is too tall, the other one’s too short. One is too skinny, the other one‘s too self-absorbed.

Then penis goes on a WHOLE different adventure, leaving the brain sitting there, chillaxing. It goes on seeking unrealistic goals. Pretty, really pretty girls, out of his league girls…

This is where I like to use this new theory of mine – friends / acquaintances / family members, basically every person that has ever paid me a compliment for being a good guy or boyfriend has spoiled me. And in no way am I blaming them, they were nice enough to pay me a compliment, I can only be thankful. But my brain is a stupidly mysterious place. As much as I like to put myself down, mostly in order to not get people’s expectations high, I often love myself. I know – weird. But true. And this constant feeling of self-worth as a boyfriend / decent human being has driven me to the point, where I think that the kind of exterior that attracts me now is way out of my league.

Of course if I know this fact then I should be able to use logic and be able to look elsewhere. Well …wrong. It might just be my way of satisfying myself with a good enough of explanation for why I should be able to look into out of my league exteriors but I think that I could never be the settler. I have a very difficult time when lying to people who I am close to, meaning that in time, I am afraid, I would become bitter and unhappy with the relationship.

I know that the plot of “She’s out of my league” movie is a plot for a movie and not for a life. But I can’t help, but to expect, that I will someday meet my Lilly.

 this-is-tis.deviantart.com

a whole lot of gibberish and a tiny bit of sense

i am starting to have a feeling that, for some time, i have put myself on a very high pedestal and it is not working out for me. For starters, i catch myself looking down on so many people who actually like me or at least feel the need to respect me. i create these absurdly high expectations for the friends i pick, not even talking about girlfriends. And then I feel lonely...i wonder why.
i used to trust everyone. And i mean EVERYONE. i know a girl for two days? Tell her the most intricate secrets of mine, except for one. This changed very fast, after i did tell one person this “secret” and it was taken for granted…my trust in this person that is.
i have to say, i like to blame the absence of true friends in my life on people generally not being worth sharing secrets with. What is the purpose of sharing yourself with another person if you are not sure that he or she is here for the long run.
This is how i end up here today, able to count friends on my fingers, able to count my true friends on the fingers of my one hand. And though it sounds to me like the right way to live, you can’t help but feel lonely from time to time. Once a friend of mine told this amazing comment on my relationship with other people. It went something like this: “Being your friend almost feels like a privilege. You can be sure, that you’re not just one of the hundreds of “friends” you have.” i like to have people around me, but i don’t take the word “Friend” lightly.

One of the girls

i grew up around girls. When i was little i had two female friends whom with i used to play families with. When my sister got older, me, her and our cousin, also a girl, started spending more time together. We used to build houses out of furnitures and everything else we found around the house. We used to make webs out of threads we would find in my mother‘s drawer.
My dad still spends the better part of the day working. So i was used to only seeing him properly in the evening.
Growing up, during middle school, i didn‘t find my place among boys either. i like to think, that we had a mutual understanding of where each of ours place was. Theirs was to chase girls, grow up fast and take on several addictions. Mine was to silently fall in love with my „first highschool love“, stay away from as many addictions as i can and...secretly...to become one of the guys.
During the two years of high school i was lucky enough to have a pack of female friends who helped me to live through that horrible phase of being an Emo. Don‘t ask, i am not sure how i could explain the necessity of that phase.
Nothing really change to this day. i still can‘t say that i have a lot of male friends, i have two or three good friends. But i still feel more comfortable around girls. And though it might sound like a good thing, i highly doubt that. i am afraid i grew quite blind to flirt. i assume that a relationship should develop from day one other way i am just going to make another female friend. To make it even worse, my friendliness towards girls are sadly mistaken as flirt by some of their boy friends. And granted, usually it is  probably an honest mistake from my side i just don‘t see that narrow little line that separates flirt from being friendly.

dream girl

i guess an introduction to the importance of this dream is needed:

i had and still have some problems with love, meaning that i find it really hard to feel close to someone. When i think about it, it might not be the feeling of love that i miss. Let’s put it in Ted’s (and if you are as sappy as I am and you love good comedy series, you should know who I am talking about) words:

“I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the beagle place I see a girl in line reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that has been stuck in my head all week and I think ‘WOW, hey, maybe she’s the one’ Now I think ‘I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole-wheat everything beagle<…>I stopped believing. Not in some depressed ‘I’m going to cry during my toast’ way<…>It’s just every day I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little     less and that      sucks.”

***

i am walking the streets of some small town and wondering if she’s going to show up today. Suddenly i am in a carnival with her by my side. Today she’s extra bouncy and we are enjoying ourselves playing every single game we can. Somehow i don’t feel the need to keep my face and start being dorky and bouncy as well. The evening passes and we’re sitting somewhere between one of those platforms that surround soccer fields. i am sitting lower and she’s sitting behind me embracing me with her hands, her long, soft hair are touching my neck as she softly whispers the words ‘I love you’ in my ear. i cannot explain the amounts of warmth and happiness that overflowed my whole body. i turned around and started mumbling like a fool ‘I never thought you even th…’ and then reality smacks me in the face.

***

Yup, the roles are a bit mixed up in this one but to me it doesn’t make it any less of an amazing dream.

It is also worth mentioning that the girl in the dream is the last girl i felt strong feelings for and i kind of still do, but i already made the choice and i’m dealing well with it.

In no way is this a memory that makes me sad or a blog entry which should make you feel bad for me, it’s more of a little fictional memory which makes me happy remembering it.

Where are all the princesses ?

I always see girls talking about princes being a rarity and how hard it is to find one.
I'd like to whine about how hard it is to find a princess in our days.
all that publicly expressed vulgarity is a bit off-putting.
and...no, you know what, I'm gonna go the other way and say this first.
princess/prince is a very diverse word, for one prince can be a person with perfect manners and sense of honor for some it might be someone who's playful and not afraid to look stupid.
that doesn't make this particular blog worthless because I will continue talking about my idea of a princess and why I think that it is so hard to find a princess nowadays.
so as I said before, I don't appreciate all the vulgarity that seems to be publicly acceptable by youth today.
and there's something really wrong about girls being proud of the fact that they don't remember what they did the night before and who they spent the night with.
also it's just partly sexual discrimination, I equally don't understand the pride in similar acts by boys.
I guess I somehow inherited a bit older values of keeping the little amount of vulgarity I have to myself and my significant other.
and to this day, I can't understand the constant need of alcohol and other tools of intoxication.
what's the fascination with self destruction lately ?

a photo by mechtaniya.deviantart.com

why is it so hard to find a girl who is interested in a quiet, intimate evening.
who's interested in joining two awesome families into one bunch of amazingness.


and yes I've mentioned the word today or it's synonyms way too many times in this blog.
also I feel like I repeat myself too much, I'll try my best not to next time.