a whole lot of gibberish and a tiny bit of sense

i am starting to have a feeling that, for some time, i have put myself on a very high pedestal and it is not working out for me. For starters, i catch myself looking down on so many people who actually like me or at least feel the need to respect me. i create these absurdly high expectations for the friends i pick, not even talking about girlfriends. And then I feel lonely...i wonder why.
i used to trust everyone. And i mean EVERYONE. i know a girl for two days? Tell her the most intricate secrets of mine, except for one. This changed very fast, after i did tell one person this “secret” and it was taken for granted…my trust in this person that is.
i have to say, i like to blame the absence of true friends in my life on people generally not being worth sharing secrets with. What is the purpose of sharing yourself with another person if you are not sure that he or she is here for the long run.
This is how i end up here today, able to count friends on my fingers, able to count my true friends on the fingers of my one hand. And though it sounds to me like the right way to live, you can’t help but feel lonely from time to time. Once a friend of mine told this amazing comment on my relationship with other people. It went something like this: “Being your friend almost feels like a privilege. You can be sure, that you’re not just one of the hundreds of “friends” you have.” i like to have people around me, but i don’t take the word “Friend” lightly.

One of the girls

i grew up around girls. When i was little i had two female friends whom with i used to play families with. When my sister got older, me, her and our cousin, also a girl, started spending more time together. We used to build houses out of furnitures and everything else we found around the house. We used to make webs out of threads we would find in my mother‘s drawer.
My dad still spends the better part of the day working. So i was used to only seeing him properly in the evening.
Growing up, during middle school, i didn‘t find my place among boys either. i like to think, that we had a mutual understanding of where each of ours place was. Theirs was to chase girls, grow up fast and take on several addictions. Mine was to silently fall in love with my „first highschool love“, stay away from as many addictions as i can and...secretly...to become one of the guys.
During the two years of high school i was lucky enough to have a pack of female friends who helped me to live through that horrible phase of being an Emo. Don‘t ask, i am not sure how i could explain the necessity of that phase.
Nothing really change to this day. i still can‘t say that i have a lot of male friends, i have two or three good friends. But i still feel more comfortable around girls. And though it might sound like a good thing, i highly doubt that. i am afraid i grew quite blind to flirt. i assume that a relationship should develop from day one other way i am just going to make another female friend. To make it even worse, my friendliness towards girls are sadly mistaken as flirt by some of their boy friends. And granted, usually it is  probably an honest mistake from my side i just don‘t see that narrow little line that separates flirt from being friendly.